Hello, hello!
Long time no type.
I'm such a hopeless blogger aren't I!

I'm back hopefully for a little while. I've made a really big decision about my life and changing it and I've decided to use my blog to journal the decision, and how it all pans out.

I've really struggled with my weight for so very long. I thought a lot about when it all started but can't really pinpoint when, other than to say that I remember it getting out of control when I was around 19 years old. I had at times been a plump child, but would then grow into my weight as my height took over. I'm about 170cm tall so on the taller side for my age group and was always one of the taller girls in my year at school.

I remember at around 19 beginning a relationship with a guy of Greek heritage. He seemed to feel the need to 'feed' me so I think this is where it started. Mind you, having said that, I also remember my mother (bless her) hiding chocolates in the cupboards in the kitchen. I guess this is were the bad habits began in terms of bad behaviour being modelled for me. She would sit up very late into the night after everyone had gone to bed and I'm sure feast on the chocolates she had lying around.

Mum had issues with her weight for all of her adult life - and seriously, who could have blamed her? I found out in my most recent years that Mum had fallen pregnant when she was just 17 years old. She was in what I think was a steady relationship at the time, but when my grandparents found out, they hit the roof. Mum told me that my grandfather abused her terribly when he found out - I gather hitting her so badly that she always wondered how she didn't have a miscarriage as a result.

That must have been the most terrible time for my mother. She had two younger sisters, but was forbidden from speaking with anyone about the pregnancy. She was told that if she planned on having the baby and keeping it, she would do so interstate. Otherwise, she was going to be sent to Melbourne for the rest of the pregnancy. I don't know what my grandparents told my aunts about it and sadly they have now passed away so I will never know. I do know that my grandfather called my mother's boss at work and said that she needed a leave of absence as they were sending her away for a little while as she was in a 'bad' relationship and they needed to end things.

I suspect they never told her then boyfriend about the baby. This is something that I dwell on a lot as I know who he is and know that I could find him if I wanted to. I struggle with him not knowing he has a child out there. So yes, she was pretty much forced to give the baby up for adoption.

Mum contacted my sister after Mum and my father divorced. I reacted very badly to being told I had a sister, and consequently Mum didn't tell my brother about her existence for some years after this. To explain a little in my defence, Mum told me about my sister while we were strolling down the street to get an icecream one night, about 3 months before my impending wedding. I was so shocked and of course didn't understand at all why she was telling me at that time. I didn't know what she wanted from me, and was very fearful that my wedding would become an event that was about welcoming my half-sister back into the fold of our family. Hence, my bad reaction. I had so much going on! Just not a good time to tell me!

Where was I going with this? Oh yes, my eating issues. Yes, I'm very overweight at the moment and yes, I closet eat. I have a terrible sweet tooth and just can't stay on track with any diets that I begin. I do okay for a few weeks or so at the most, then fall off the 'bandwagon'.

So, after much thinking I've decided to have lapband surgery. I used to be dead set against it because of seeing people who have had it done and still eaten in terrible ways, but after speaking with someone who I have a great deal of respect for about her choice and experience with it, I gave it further thought and have decided it is what I want to do.

I don't feel like I can go 'public' with what I'm doing at this point. Admittedly there is a lot of negativity out there about it - a number of people think it is the 'lazy' or 'easy' way. It isn't - something you learn when you do your research. I'll address the negatives maybe in another post as I found a great article about it and everything the ladies writing the article say makes perfect sense to me.

Anyway, I'm booked in for my surgery on the 15th of October - woo hoo! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like I will finally once and for all have a tool that will work. I was amazed to learn that programs like weight watchers and jenny craig only have something like a 2% long term success rate in regard to people keeping the weight off, so I'm very happy with my choice. 

More for another post. I really want to share my journey in the hope that I can help someone else with their decision or with their weight loss journey. Take care! xo