Hello, hello!
Long time no type.
I'm such a hopeless blogger aren't I!

I'm back hopefully for a little while. I've made a really big decision about my life and changing it and I've decided to use my blog to journal the decision, and how it all pans out.

I've really struggled with my weight for so very long. I thought a lot about when it all started but can't really pinpoint when, other than to say that I remember it getting out of control when I was around 19 years old. I had at times been a plump child, but would then grow into my weight as my height took over. I'm about 170cm tall so on the taller side for my age group and was always one of the taller girls in my year at school.

I remember at around 19 beginning a relationship with a guy of Greek heritage. He seemed to feel the need to 'feed' me so I think this is where it started. Mind you, having said that, I also remember my mother (bless her) hiding chocolates in the cupboards in the kitchen. I guess this is were the bad habits began in terms of bad behaviour being modelled for me. She would sit up very late into the night after everyone had gone to bed and I'm sure feast on the chocolates she had lying around.

Mum had issues with her weight for all of her adult life - and seriously, who could have blamed her? I found out in my most recent years that Mum had fallen pregnant when she was just 17 years old. She was in what I think was a steady relationship at the time, but when my grandparents found out, they hit the roof. Mum told me that my grandfather abused her terribly when he found out - I gather hitting her so badly that she always wondered how she didn't have a miscarriage as a result.

That must have been the most terrible time for my mother. She had two younger sisters, but was forbidden from speaking with anyone about the pregnancy. She was told that if she planned on having the baby and keeping it, she would do so interstate. Otherwise, she was going to be sent to Melbourne for the rest of the pregnancy. I don't know what my grandparents told my aunts about it and sadly they have now passed away so I will never know. I do know that my grandfather called my mother's boss at work and said that she needed a leave of absence as they were sending her away for a little while as she was in a 'bad' relationship and they needed to end things.

I suspect they never told her then boyfriend about the baby. This is something that I dwell on a lot as I know who he is and know that I could find him if I wanted to. I struggle with him not knowing he has a child out there. So yes, she was pretty much forced to give the baby up for adoption.

Mum contacted my sister after Mum and my father divorced. I reacted very badly to being told I had a sister, and consequently Mum didn't tell my brother about her existence for some years after this. To explain a little in my defence, Mum told me about my sister while we were strolling down the street to get an icecream one night, about 3 months before my impending wedding. I was so shocked and of course didn't understand at all why she was telling me at that time. I didn't know what she wanted from me, and was very fearful that my wedding would become an event that was about welcoming my half-sister back into the fold of our family. Hence, my bad reaction. I had so much going on! Just not a good time to tell me!

Where was I going with this? Oh yes, my eating issues. Yes, I'm very overweight at the moment and yes, I closet eat. I have a terrible sweet tooth and just can't stay on track with any diets that I begin. I do okay for a few weeks or so at the most, then fall off the 'bandwagon'.

So, after much thinking I've decided to have lapband surgery. I used to be dead set against it because of seeing people who have had it done and still eaten in terrible ways, but after speaking with someone who I have a great deal of respect for about her choice and experience with it, I gave it further thought and have decided it is what I want to do.

I don't feel like I can go 'public' with what I'm doing at this point. Admittedly there is a lot of negativity out there about it - a number of people think it is the 'lazy' or 'easy' way. It isn't - something you learn when you do your research. I'll address the negatives maybe in another post as I found a great article about it and everything the ladies writing the article say makes perfect sense to me.

Anyway, I'm booked in for my surgery on the 15th of October - woo hoo! I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like I will finally once and for all have a tool that will work. I was amazed to learn that programs like weight watchers and jenny craig only have something like a 2% long term success rate in regard to people keeping the weight off, so I'm very happy with my choice. 

More for another post. I really want to share my journey in the hope that I can help someone else with their decision or with their weight loss journey. Take care! xo

Hello....... again.....

Ahhhhh, where did I go to? I ask myself that often.
I've posted before about being a hopeless blogger. I am, really am. I posted last about things changing in my life - my Mum had been diagnosed with bowel cancer at that time and I didn't really know where things were headed. Sadly, she died in March this year, only two months after her diagnosis. 
Since then, I've struggled. A lot. There's so much going on in my head. I miss Mum so much. I don't think I ever realised how much I would miss her when 'that' time came, but then I guess I never thought it would come when I was only 41 years old. My kids miss their Nanna too. They talk about how 'your Mum died. She was our Nanna.' They do seem to be dealing with it in an okay manner. Much better than me. I've dealt with it by hitting the food big time. Any weight I had lost pre-Christmas is now back on again. I'm now looking down the barrel of returning to work in early July and desperately want to lose some weight before I do, but I'm like an addict. I can't give the 'bad stuff' up!
Anyway, enough for now. I'm going to try to post more. There's so much that has happened since Mum died - family stuff that I need to share and get off my chest. Hopefully it will help me to feel a little better and maybe stop stuffing my face! xo

Changes....

I'm changing my blog. I haven't posted for ages - haven't felt the need, but the New Year has brought some not so nice stuff to deal with and I'm thinking that this will be a good place for me to get it off my chest. No one that knows me IRL knows about my blog, and I think that as a result of this, my blog is a fairly safe place to talk about what's going on. The trouble is, it involves someone else and they want it to be really private. Trouble is, the situation heavily involves me and I need to talk about it - that's the difference I guess between her and me. I talk, she doesn't.
Anyway, here's to starting again. And here's to hoping that this 'space' gives me some much needed relief and the chance to talk about what's on my mind. xo

I'm a hopeless blogger......

I am a hopeless blogger!  I don't know how many times I've started blogging, promised myself I'd post at least weekly, then given up........  I'm hopeless at it.  I guess I don't think at the time that I have anything interesting to say.... I also struggle with time - that is, child free, partner free time.
Well here we go again!!!
I'm posting tonight about exclusion.  Have you ever been excluded from something that your friends are doing?  You find out about it, and are left wondering why you haven't been included?  Maybe it was completely innocent, but if you are a bit of a sensitive person like me, you still get hurt.  You are left feeling a bit insulted, thinking that you must have done something wrong.  I detest that people have that sort of control over me - hate it, hate it, hate it.  I'll guarantee that they don't even give it a second thought, but I do.  Maybe I'm too sensitive.
I've been struggling a lot lately with parenthood.  I never, ever thought it would be as hard as it is.  My kids are 22 months apart and at the moment they are fighting ALL THE TIME! My husband and I are fighting a lot too - maybe in part because of the way the kids are behaving, but then maybe they are feeding off the tension between the two of us.  I just feel like I am getting no time at all.  Most people say that I need to make sure I get time to myself, but you see, I don't want to have to leave my home to do that.  I enjoy spending time doing things in my home - not cooking things or cleaning things or domestic things.  Things like organising photos, sorting out my cupboard, stuff like that.  Unfortunately, dear hubby can't let me do these things without limiting them or bringing the kids in to me.  Bugger.......
Anyway, the weekend starts tomorrow.  There is a festival on in town which we usually attend with some friends of my husband, but they are away for the weekend which doesn't disappoint me.  I am looking forward to some family time - some happy time where the kids can run round and create havoc if they want, and we can sit back and relax a bit. Hopefully the weather here will improve.  Maybe it will rain at the beach or something (heheheheheh.... ) but that's another story for another time!!!
Cheers!